LIZ CAREY & DREA de MATTEO

LIZ CAREY & DREA de MATTEO

AN AFTER SCHOOL DRINK

FADE IN:

INT. THE SPARE ROOM , THE HOLLYWOOD ROOSEVELT HOTEL, LOS ANGELES — LATE AFTERNOON

It’s 4:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. An off-duty bartender stands behind The Spare Room’s bar, polishing glasses before the evening rush. LIZ CAREY and DREA DE MATTEO enter. LIZ is clutching a child’s tin lunchbox and DREA is holding a half-empty bottle of Old Orchard Cranberry Naturals juice. They plop onto two of the lounge’s plush leather booths, and LIZ upends her lunchbox on a table between them before rifling through its contents: two apples, two juice boxes, a clementine, a granola bar, feminine hygiene products, and some Fruit Roll-Ups.

CUT TO:

LIZ unwraps a Fruit Roll-Up and requests a tequila soda. After taking a big swig of her juice, DREA asks for a 1942 neat. Minutes later, their drinks are served.

LIZ
It ain’t easy being a single mom in this city.

DREA
No dude, it’s really the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And our kids go to the best public school in Los Angeles.

LIZ
It’s hard to blend in when you’re hot. Like, fucking smoking

DREA
Especially when we show up at school in our nighties.

LIZ
The moms are really mean.

DREA
Some take mommying very seriously. Remember the idiot who put up all the fake no parking signs?

LIZ
They’re all very next level. So, I’m writing a show about them.

DREA
Can I be on it?

LIZ
You’re the star! This year, the opening day of school was the same day as the “Chelsea Lately” finale, so I was super dressed up because we shot that episode live. The moms — like White Volvo Lady — were giving me the stink eye because I looked like a hooker.

DREA
That lady won a parking spot. I told her I didn’t like her to her face.

LIZ
One of them said, “Oh. Aren’t you a little done up for this?” So I replied, “Actually, I’m shooting the finale of my TV show.” Betch!

DREA
Why is your son named Waylon? Explain.

LIZ
His father chose that name. He’s a big Waylon Jennings fan.

DREA
Funny. My baby daddy named my son Waylon, too, but we call him Blackjack and nothing else.

LIZ
Are you sure there isn’t another reason?

LIZ and DREA pause. An awkward silence falls over the room.

DREA
His grandfather is Waylon Jennings [laughs].

LIZ
Now I feel like I have the fake Waylon. If I have a fake daughter — because I am currently single — I want to name her Loretta. One thing I really want my son to know is that he should stand up when a lady leaves the table. You’re teaching Blackjack that, right?

DREA
He’s three, you jerk.

LIZ
He still needs to get up. There’s nothing hotter. I dated a guy once and when I got up to use the bathroom at dinner, he stood up. I was like: What the fuck? Are we changing locations? He said, “No, you’re going to the bathroom.” My panties dropped right then and there.

DREA
Italian boys don’t do any of that shit. I never saw my father open a fucking door for my mother, but he adored her.

LIZ
Well, we both know how to pick dudes. Waylon tried to set me up with somebody’s dad on the first day of school. Did I tell you about Hot Dad?

DREA
Is he the guy that drives a Land Cruiser?

LIZ
No.

DREA
The one with the muscle car?

LIZ
No! He drives a green pickup truck.

DREA
Ohhh. You love sleazy, dirty guys. I can share them with you!

LIZ
The sleazier the better. Waylon saw me clock Hot Dad’s license plate, even though
I was trying to be casual.

DREA
Stalker!

LIZ
The next day, he said, “Mom, see the guy in the green pickup truck? His kid’s name is Jakey.” I was like: How do you know that?! Apparently Jakey is in second grade and Waylon, who is in third grade, said, “I wouldn’t love doing a playdate with someone younger, but I’ll do it for you.”

DREA
Seeing the women at school, sometimes I wonder how there aren’t more single moms.

LIZ
We’re the only ones. Basically, I’m the stepping stone for a man who wants to achieve happiness. If I’m with a guy who’s living in his car, he’ll leave me and then his life will blossom. Once he dates me, he’ll move on to his dream girl. Should we take a nap?

LIZ and DREA put their heads down and take a few minutes to rest their eyes.

CUT TO:

Sometime later, LIZ and DREA wake up, and continue to chat as if they never missed a beat.

DREA
How fucking tall are you anyway?

LIZ
5 feet 10 inches.

DREA
I should’ve known that you were going to be one of my besties; all of my close friends are tall. You’re also the skinniest person I’ve ever seen in real life. When we got in the car earlier I thought, “Nice wrists.” Look at ’em, jerk!

LIZ holds one of her wrists out to examine it. She begins to slowly nod in agreement while coyly twirling her hair with her other hand.

LIZ
It’s weird, we both grew really bountiful hair back after having kids. Probably because we take tons of vitamins.

DREA
Tons.

LIZ
Did you get that mustache when you were pregnant?

DREA
I believe the question is: Why didn’t you shave your mustache after you gave birth?

LIZ
The other day, Waylon told me my age spots look like salami. “You should get Proactiv,” he said. “Nancy tried it and she had radical results in two weeks.” He quoted the informercial verbatim. I asked if he was trying to be mean, and he said, “No. I’m trying to save you money, and makeup.”

DREA
That’s really cute [laughs]. Speaking of, how about that picture I sent you of me eating salami?

LIZ
Salami is a staple part of my diet. Question: how many hotdogs can you legally feed your kids?

DREA
I had to stop this week. One day it was pigs in a blanket, the next it was hot dogs, and then noodles with chopped up hot dogs. I wish my kids would eat In-N-Out burgers. At least it would be a different protein.

LIZ
I bought Lucky Charms for Waylon the other day, then he told me his dream job is to be a Lucky Charms marshmallow picker.

DREA
My daughter, Alabama, is an amazing artist. She’s seven. I want her to have a show because her art is pretty fucking special. And Blackjack is going to be a pro skater, I can tell. He’s already a Razor scooter freak. He’s been watching YouTube videos of scooter tricks since he was two.

LIZ
Waylon is practically a sponsored skateboarder. He’s incredible.

DREA
He can teach little Blackjack! Do you have a ramp at your house?

LIZ
I’m broke, bitch! What do you think the answer is? I was rich, once.

DREA
I was, too. High five!

LIZ and DREA slap a spirited high five. LIZ glances at the half-eaten snacks and discarded juice boxes on the table, then looks around the room for a helping hand to clean them up. Finding none, she packs the mess into the lunchbox herself.

DREA
Men! Can you please support us single moms?!

LIZ
The only time being a single mom comes in handy is with someone you’re not into, like Car Wash Dude. I was getting my car washed and the guy was like: I’m also a tennis trainer. I said, “You teach tennis? That’s awesome. My son is super active, and he would love some tennis lessons!” The guy literally went running for the hills.

CREDITS

Photography byNoah Jashinski
Bramble Trionfo

Conversation moderated byAnthony Rotunno

Special thanksThe Spare Room

Liz Carey is a writer, comedienne, and actress based in Los Angeles.
Drea de Matteo is an actress based in Los Angeles.

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THE END