“My son, Teddy, is the cutest person I’ve ever met, but I feel like nobody tells the real truth about pregnancy.
It’s pretty intense having a person grow inside of you.
The first time I was pregnant, I was 38. I can’t explain what happened to me, other than that I turned into a completely different human being.
I lived at McDonald’s, Jack In The Box, and Fat Burger, and ate more Big Stick popsicles than a person should ever consume.
My feet turned into cinder blocks — they wouldn’t move at all — and my mouth tasted like metal the entire time.
I broke three of my teeth chewing ice all day long;
I WAS SO GROSS.
[Initially], I tried having a natural childbirth at home. That lasted 13 hours, and the last five felt like there was no escape. I was in so much pain, thinking,
‘How am I going to push something out?’
When you train for childbirth, you’re told that the woman has to be talked off the ledge, that she’ll try to go to the hospital. I begged my husband to take me, and he refused, so my friend brought me.
My hippy-dippy doctor put on some Radiohead, lit candles, gave me an epidural, and told me to push.
Fifteen minutes later, an arm came out, and then I literally pulled out my son. My husband screamed like a girl.
It was the most incredible experience of my life.
— as told to The Thick